We had a rather interesting problem brought up in my statistics class this morning.

There are three doors in front of you. Behind one of the doors is a sack of coal; behind another, a pile of rags; and behind the third, a brand new, custom-built computer, with parts even the most tech-savvy don't realize exist yet. There are no discernable clues as to which door has what, and you choose a door at random.



However, instead of revealing your door, you get shown a different door; behind it is the pile of rags. Then, you are given the opportunity to switch doors.

Would you switch? Either way, why or why not?

In response to Factual, logical proof, a post I made a year and a half ago. I am italicizing, because this is clearly a work of fiction. This must be a piece I uploaded to mock my situation, for I simply cannot accept that I was so painfully, inconceivably stupid.

( Here's a cut with the entire contents of the post. )

What a load of crap.

LRN2LOGIC, SELF.

What happened with Urian was mostly my fault, I will admit. However, the way he treated me afterwards was inexcusable.

What happened with Roland was my own failure: Failure to leave an abusive, codependent "friendship" when I realized it for what it was, and failure to realize that I am not responsible for the happiness of another person. When I later confronted him about this fact, after the fact, he blocked me again.

As I said, the ickle high schoolers can't stand thinking that they're wrong.

What happened with Trey was my fault almost entirely. However, his controlling personality and lack of desire to compromise was a severe hindrance in the relationship. I feel that if he had been more willing to compromise, the relationship could have taken a turn for the better. Of course, for this I can also blame myself, for being a self-esteemless pushover, and letting him make rules about the way I lived.

I honestly should thank Josh for making clear the guidelines of an abusive relationship to me.

Of course, there's a multitude of people I should thank long before him, for not taking advantage while I learned these things.

*cackle*

The ickle high schoolers can't stand thinking they're wrong.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
And Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

It's pudding time, children.

Can't sleep, right. I'm almost 80, but I don't feel like -fuck too many skype messages- going on WoW.

I feel like I'm going insane. I need to be able to sleep when necessary, but that's becoming more and more of an issue. Fucking hell. I'm going to sleep through the rest of today, aren't I?

Mayhap I should just stay the fuck up for the rest of the day.

That'd probably reset my sleep schedule, but it'd still fuck me over tomorrow, which I'm supposed to be doing... Something. Fucking hell. Oh, fuck it, it's with my mom anyways. Stupid whore.

Fucking streamed for god damn forever.

Yashypoo got way too fucking drunk. Poor poop. He didn't -actually- get really drunk, I just like hyperbolizing. But it was humorous, he kept slurring and couldn't give directions fast enough. It'd be like,

Driver chick: *passes street*
Yash: Oh, turn... there... Er...
Driver chick: ... Right, thanks.

He's such a cutie. =)

I think about him and I feel better. A bit, a little.

Fuck my life, my god damn mom is an idiot.

Might have to move out.

Fucking hell.

Oh yeah, the fucking stream.

--------------------------------------------------

( Holy balls wtf am I doing. )

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( Lyrics, fucking hell. Too much shit. )

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I keep having these helling thoughts about losing Brad.

He had this helling dream about me killing him. Or hurting him. Or something.

I'm totes learning the Pokemon G/S/C Champion battle theme.

>:D

Sheet music. There's also a guitar pro version, but I'm too lazy to put that one up.

I'm also starting a guild on Elune US that'll eventually improve the server as a whole. If you want in, give me a shout!

I wore a skirt willingly for the first time the other day. >.> Shut up. I'm not a girl, you just think I am.

Definitely going to test out a three-spec for my mage.

I have a social life, wtf?

I want to do something creative, but all I can muster up the energy for is playing guitar. I'd rather be playing drums, but I need to make room for my kit, which means cleaning up my abysmally small room, which means x_x.

I think I'll go find some RP now.

Tracy

( Something wrong, Tracy? )

Jake

( You know, I actually used to draw a lot. )

You guys should post on Advent Chaos. It's all spiffied up!

Listened to Dead Girls for the first time in ages.

Just started crying and crying, thinking about some of the shit I've put up with. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I let people walk all over me like this?


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Works
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( Flight )

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100063489?v=3465561

I will never again say that my fingers are annoyingly small for guitar playing.

Katanoki Chaos: I usually get the IM break up, but that's okay and not wrong at all on the part of the guys because that's a big part of how I communicate with people.
Matt: I'm surprised of how little of that I've gotten
Katanoki Chaos: But this was the ball-crushing-heart-stomp-over-WoW-PST-because-I-won't-talk-to-you-any-other-way break-up for the ages.

Wtf?

I'm going back, looking at my old textfiles and what not, and holy damn, when did I become such a pushover?

This old me, who's words I'm reading... God, she didn't take shit, it's scary and almost mean. But confident, far more confident than myself. Arrogant, is it? Although, back then, those I looked up to were similar... Vejiita and the other insane anime characters of old, along with the people around me.

=/ It's like a different person. So strange. I dislike the rudeness, but I do wish I could be as confident as she was.

Anyways. I'm over at dad's right now, using his internet. The Master's here, too. I don't think he likes it here, though. *pats* He's used to more sterile environments.

So, I built a computer. =D The Master. He's such win. And such love. =D I'm currently torrenting, have firefox open, and am running Team Fortress in the background. Don't know the FPS, but I was hitting a nice 60 on WoW.

I also got a guitar, a used B.C. Rich Warlock. Solid body electric, fuck yeah! If anyone wants to jam, give me a shout. =)

- Been making things recently. I'm thinking about making a foam keyboard/mouse rest from, well, foam. I've been going nuts with the stuff, though, the sheets of foam. I made hand guards. Lulz.

- D&D's going to happen again, this Thursday. Tomorrow, lulz. It's gonna happen at my house, and me, Urian, Trey, Josh, and Daniel are all going to be here. =D Character creation time. Anyone from around here who wants in, give me a shout--although there are certain intelligence requirements for getting in. =P

- Read this thing on relationship advice, and it had a quite truthful quote: "More marriages are killed by silence than by violence."

- Clarification for everyone that's hella confused: Me and Trey are friends; He's thinking about what he's going to do. What's more, he has to be the one pretending, for a bit. My mum finds out we're not dating, and she'll give me shit for ages. So we're going to act like we're still going out, around her.

Soz, I got a volunteer job on a game called Soul of the World. No pay, unless it gets picked up, but I have the slight chance of getting hired, if they like my work. =)

Experience! =D

I survived.

So, at school, completely bored out of my skull and doing ANYTHING but work.

Meebo is quite a fun application. I should call Roland and tell him to get his ass online. =D I already texted him, tho', and Urian's on! LAWL!

Hmm... I hear TOOL. =D

Hmm...

So, yeah, I went batshit today looking for computer parts. I'm building a custom computer for my next comp.

I wish I had like, 1k to drop on new parts, so I could at least get the chassis and motherboard and some other stuffs. I could just use the old graphics card and CD drive and a few other things from my old comp until more money was saved...

I NEED A YOB.

;-;

Guize, look! http://www.xoxide.com/sunbeam-transformer-case-black.html That's the chassis I'm probably going to get for the compy. It's undyingly sexy, and you all KNOW IT! =D

maaaaaaaaaan I need money

;-; I'm getting a yob ASAP!

[09:35] KatanokiChaos: I'm going to custom build my next computer.
[09:35] KatanokiChaos: And that's going to be my chassis.
[09:36] KatanokiChaos: And it's going to make sweet love to the sexy parts I put in it.
[09:36] KatanokiChaos: ... Wow, that came out sounding wronger than I intended.

Discussions are win.

Can somebody tell me when all our lives went to shit?

Not just Roland's, not just ours, not just the group, not just the school, not just [city omitted]...

When did it happen? When did we lose ourselves to this, turning into mere shadows of ourselves, becoming complacent with the mundane, the everyday, and then, in our realization of what we ourselves had done, rejected this mode of life?

When did we become complacent with this?

Isn't life supposed to be so much more than this?

There's so much more we could do, if we simply... Tried...

But we are complacent.

We are shadows.

We are nothing.



Coldness.

Been in a weird state lately. I really can't feel it all anymore. Been numb. Was numb today, even, although I was sorta better.

Had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. It was over the stupidest thing, too. Trey had been playing WoW, and he needed some extra time, and with everything that's gone on recently, everything that I'd felt last summer sorta came swooping back. It was like it was all happening again, the abandonment by most everyone I knew. Luckily, Trey called me soon after, and helped me through.

=/ Can't think anymore. I've become comfortably numb.

Also, to a certain someone: Don't blame your own actions for these feelings. Last summer is over and done with, and as hard as it is for me to say it, your choice is probably what's best for your mental health. Just don't kill yourself, mm'kay?

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END OF JOURNAL STREAMING [Safe For Work]

Can't think can't think
Oh god can't think
Can't think anything
Can't feel
Can't touch
Can't do anything about this
Can't
Out of control
Nothing
Everything out of control
Mood none or other
Can't even control mood
Just numb
Completely numb
-----

They're all gone.

I don't know whether it's the constant droning or if it's the nightly arguments about what was stapled incorrectly, but somewhere along the lines, I think my mom's driving me insane. I don't know; perhaps I'm imagining things. There ARE other things going on in my life, after all, other, more important issues which I should be focusing on. But there's only so much aggression I can be surrounded by, before it starts bothering me.

Y'know, I hated spanish class. 1 and 2, fulfilling high school required credits. I mean, the teachers were fine, and I had peers to talk to throughout. Everytime I'd speak it, though, I'd... Fake a terrible accent. Act unknowing. I'd almost try not to learn it.

It's not that I'm ashamed, even in the slightest, of my ethnic background, or my heritage. Circumstances decided by birth are irrelevant. Instead... It's the constant reminder. It's hearing those words, and realizing that I'd have to go back home in a few hours. I mean, my home isn't abusive, or overly terrible, or any of those sort of things that would actually warrant me getting help for this. I just hate it. I hate it. I can't stand it. And I hate that I know the language because a grown woman has shrieked it for most of my sentient life.

=/

There's not much to be had in my life, either. For instance... I've wanted psychiatric help for a few years, now, but I was dying for it during sophomore year. The whole Angrite debacle had turned me suicidal, and I knew that there was a serious risk of me doing something I wouldn't live to regret. At first, I was too caught up in the whole life-hating stage to care, but eventually, realization hit me, and it hit me hard. This is the only chance you've got. The only one. And if I lost it in a moment... Gods, the thought terrified me. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die.

But of course, why did she deny me the help I wanted? "You need god in your life." It's been some throw-off of that my entire life, god, or gender, or some other bullshit reason. Kendo lessons? Easy. "That's a boy thing. You're a girl. You can't do that." Or why she tried to stop me from being friends with John? "That kid is a bad influence. If he doesn't respect the church, there's no way he can respect anyone else, or his parents, or you."

You're damn right he won't respect the church! And I'm damn proud of him for it! What the hell was he supposed to do, stand there as the rights of the young are quenched, innocent minds pushed into these ideologies, these fairy tales, these dogmas!

Somebody has to stand up, and damn you if you'd hate them for it.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I want outta this town.

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RECENT DRAWINGS, WRITINGS, ETC [Safe for Work]
( Recent Works... )
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LYRICS [Safe for Work]
( Lyrics... )
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END OF JOURNAL STREAMING [Not Safe For Work]
( Streaming... )
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Maybe I shouldn't bitch.

Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I don't deserve that luxury. I understand that there are so many people out there in worse positions than the one I'm in, and to feel that I am at my ends is not the proper and right emotion for these moments, these crucial moments at what I feel is a crossroad in my life. However, I can no longer standby, holding everything in. I can't. I'm at the worst I've been in a long time, and I can't handle it all anymore.

No matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. You lot can say what you will, but the pressure is a murderous, evil thing. In my hands, I have two lives. And no matter what I do... I'm not going to be happy. I don't think I'll ever be happy. It's such a passing, temporary thing.

... I just got spoiled for Torchwood... Moving on.

No, I'll never be happy. Really. God, am I the suicidal one, now? Not really. I've sort of accepted that my existence will be a cursed one, but one I will continue, not for my sake, but for the sake of those around me. Meh. I'm past all of it anyways, so, once again, moving on.

It's a bit strange, honestly. Two people who you care for so greatly. And you're at an impass. You can only save one of them, even as you can't bear even the possibility of the idea coming into your head that you might lose the other. And no matter what you do, no matter what you choose... It will always, always be your fault.

It's not a very happy feeling, but alas, those with the sort of esteem issues I have-issues I know Roland can identify with-must become, strange as it may be, used to this disappointment and self-hate.

I realized, earlier tonight, that those strange, sudden, overwhelming feelings of emotional agony that seem to set in once in a while, are panic attacks. I never realized it, but all the symptoms match. Hmm. Thinking about everything, I was on the verge of a second one moments ago... Meh. Yay, control over one's emotions! Forcing everything down, because, obviously, strength shown to others is the utmost of currency. Strange, the society we live in, selfishness so greatly dissuaded.

What are we, drones?

We are to live for ourselves, and those that don't like it may bear it!

Strange, these emotions, these feelings. But they must be kept down. There are issues of greater importance, now.

-----
LYRICS

I feel it's fitting to put in pieces of both songs which helped me so greatly to put this into words.

Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

Nine Inch Nails - The Day The World Went Away

There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away
-----

Great help they did. I know one thing I'm never doing again!

I hate people so much right now. I hate everything right now, though, so it's all good. Hate my rents, hate [name omitted]'s rents, hate the world, hate the way suicidal individuals are handled, hate the way people can force others to do things just because they paid some money to go to a fucking school...

I hate how you trust people to help, and then they do the opposite. I hate how therapy takes the backseat for drugs. I hate how people think I don't care and that I just want something to be pissed off about.

I hate how people assume the system is benevolent. I hate how people continue to think so after those that have gone through it try to tell otherwise.

I hate how people fucking piss me off every day. I hate how people are assholes. And I hate how people assume they FUCKING know better. Because they FUCKING don't. With a capitol FUCKING F.

Think for yourself. Question authority. Don't fucking assume they helped. Authorities can be right, and I don't dispute that, but I fucking hate when people assume that whatever the law does is lawful, and whatever the justice system decides is truly justice.

Think for yourself. Question authority.

God, I love sitting in this classroom. [Note: I was in a Junior English class as an aide.] Even without being an actual member of the class, I'm still learning, because this class is so fucking amazing. Too bad I'll only have it for one class period, soon enough. Oh yeah, teachers can't have teacher's aides! That's logical.

Almost time for my psychology test. Fuck, I'm so angry right now. Fuck, I'm so angry.

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RECENT DRAWINGS, WRITINGS, ETC [Safe for Work]

None today, sorry, peeps. I had one finished, but didn't have time to upload it to my site. Maybe I'll draw something and edit...
-----

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END OF JOURNAL STREAMING

I practically fucking screamed my mind completely out up there. No streaming. I'm done.
-----

((End Note: I'm not angry at those involved at my school. They went by the book and thought they were helping. Their intentions were pure. I'm angry at the mental health laws around here, in Florida. No, not angry. Fucking angry with a capitol god damned F. But I'm not going to start again. And I'm angry at myself, for fucking everything over yet again, no matter my intentions.))

((End Note Two: Wow, god I was angry earlier. Sorry about the rant, peeps.))

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Woot.

Mum's restricting my DnD time... And I just started playing!

But yeah... I've got nothing to do tomorrow. Or Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. Don't tell me to catch up on my NaNo, I've given up. I can't do it. I just can't. And, haven't done it since my rents got back... -.-

I've got the bard's backstory (mostly) done. Just have to put it in story form, rather than wiki form.

I'm feeling emo...

Um, yeah.

So, lawl, not even 7k on my NaNo yet... Blame Preston for that. Or Trey, or Darith, or Schmoo, or whatever you lot call him. But yeah. I'm going to go crazy with it on the weekend, though.

I is happy, so that's better than usual, at least. I mean, oww, ass, but... -_- Trey, if you emo out, I will stab my own eyes out with a spork. But yeah. I'm pretty much better, tho'. And, lawl, Pat freaked out when he heard...

But yeah, happy. The wife and I (lawl) need to figure out how we'll be getting alone time again, tho'... x_x

^_^ Me and Preston are going out!

*combusts all spontaneous-like*

Damn, coming home to an empty house sucks. I wish Preston could've come over. x_x

Yesterday was fun, tho'. Had a few friends over for a Halloween party. ^_^ Craziness, food, and loads of Guitar Hero, with no one to ruin things by saying "Oh, you really suck!" So that's all good. And Preston was going to come over since he didn't have a ride, but he actually ended up not going to school. It's okay, tho'; he'll call after his raid is done.

EDIT: AHHH HE CAN COME HE CAN COME AHH GOTTA GET READY AHHHHHHHHH

His raid didn't have enough people show up, and for once, YAY at not enough people for a raid!

^_^!!!!!