Moments of Disarray

Well, shit.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 06:53:43 GMT

I've just realized that I've posted next to nothing about my actual life in ages. Here goes:

I moved out of my mom's place. Finally. I'm getting used to the whole "Holy shit, money" bit, but overall, things have gotten a lot better. I stopped having panic attacks, and for the first time in three or four years, I've been happy for longer than a few months. I did have a bit of a panic a few weeks ago, when I convinced myself I was going to fuck up eventually... Which made me nervous and prone to fucking up. And of course there's off days where I'm just down. But mostly, I'm actually either happy, or at a minimum, not depressed. :D

Things with me and Bradley have been going... Well doesn't seem like the right word. Terrific, perhaps. Or amazing. Don't know how I've gotten so lucky, I think sometimes, but then I think about things objectively. We work. I keep trying to go into detail, but I'm a fucking sap about him. And that won't do. >.>

Fuck if I care enough about school to go into detail... I miss some of my old friends. Eh. Not really too much... Tho' I wish Jai would show up more often, the dummy. He makes me laugh with his weeabooness, even if he's a complete douche. YOU HEARD ME, DOUCHE! :D

I rediscovered my love for gaming! I got the urge to play Crash Bandicoot: Warped. That was... Fucking fun. Dunno how long it's been since I had that much fun playing a video game, but that fucking little tiger can run. Motha' fuckin' dragons can't get me.

I've been having some strange and rather explicit fantasies, as of late. The explicit part, sure, but they've been fucking strange. >.>

HAHA, LITERALLY.

I'M SUCH A WIT.

I've gotta crash. As Ricky would finish: Penis. OOOOOOOO IT'S AN ANIMATED MOOD ICON OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Three doors.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:07:33 GMT

We had a rather interesting problem brought up in my statistics class this morning.

There are three doors in front of you. Behind one of the doors is a sack of coal; behind another, a pile of rags; and behind the third, a brand new, custom-built computer, with parts even the most tech-savvy don't realize exist yet. There are no discernable clues as to which door has what, and you choose a door at random.

However, instead of revealing your door, you get shown a different door; behind it is the pile of rags. Then, you are given the opportunity to switch doors.

Would you switch? Either way, why or why not?

A response to myself, perhaps?

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 16:08:14 GMT

In response to Factual, logical proof, a post I made a year and a half ago. I am italicizing, because this is clearly a work of fiction. This must be a piece I uploaded to mock my situation, for I simply cannot accept that I was so painfully, inconceivably stupid.

==================================================
==================================================
Going to get something unequivocally clear, in chronological order.

Hypothesis: Fault, for most undesirable, life-altering events within the subject's life, goes to the subject.

Experiment: Three case-studies will be broken down into three objective lists of facts, then sorted for blame. Entries which can be traced back to or occurred as a result of the subject will be listed in red; Entries which cannot be traced back to or occurred as a result of the subject, or entries which may list reason for the subject's behavior, will be listed in blue.

Results:

URIAN ---------------

The subject was the one who consistently argued over petty differences of ideals, preferences, or thoughts.
The subject was the one who failed to communicate when there was still a possibility to repair the relationship.
The subject was the one who failed to retain reasonable distance after the relationship had ended, thus permanently causing a void in the friendship.

The communication failure was reciprocated.

TREY ---------------

The subject acted out of free will. The subject was not coerced, nor pressured, and thus, the blame falls on either the initiator, or the actor, both of which being the subject.
The subject did not confess their actions immediately, as any mature adult would have.

ROLAND ---------------

Despite the subject's thoughts to the contrary, the subject was the one who committed verbal abuse.
The subject, while trying to "help," was attempting to prevent an act of free will which, while dangerous, was Roland's choice.
As stated before, the blame for the occurrence with Trey falls on the subject. However, instead of taking the blame immediately, the subject tried to transfer that blame to Roland.
The subject did not initiate a year ago, despite saying that they would.
The subject repeated the actions performed with Urian, IE verbally abusing Roland while claiming that Roland was the one doing so.
The subject got Roland's hopes up, only to destroy them days later.

A small amount of the subject's anger towards Roland may be blamed on pent-up frustration, but most of it is still unaccounted for.

..................................................

Conclusion:

I, am a terrible person. I, am beyond repair. I, have altered, not only these three lives, but other lives as well, in a detrimental way. I, have no right to be happy, although I will still strive for it. I, have no place amongst those which can cause happiness in others, such as those mentioned above. I, am a failure. I, am a waste of life. I, am not deserving of what has been given to me. I, am non-existent. I, am a failure.

I am a failure.
==================================================
==================================================

What a load of crap.

LRN2LOGIC, SELF.

What happened with Urian was mostly my fault, I will admit. However, the way he treated me afterwards was inexcusable.

What happened with Roland was my own failure: Failure to leave an abusive, codependent "friendship" when I realized it for what it was, and failure to realize that I am not responsible for the happiness of another person. When I later confronted him about this fact, after the fact, he blocked me again.

As I said, the ickle high schoolers can't stand thinking that they're wrong.

What happened with Trey was my fault almost entirely. However, his controlling personality and lack of desire to compromise was a severe hindrance in the relationship. I feel that if he had been more willing to compromise, the relationship could have taken a turn for the better. Of course, for this I can also blame myself, for being a self-esteemless pushover, and letting him make rules about the way I lived.

I honestly should thank Josh for making clear the guidelines of an abusive relationship to me.

Of course, there's a multitude of people I should thank long before him, for not taking advantage while I learned these things.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:40:54 GMT

*cackle*

The ickle high schoolers can't stand thinking they're wrong.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
And Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

It's pudding time, children.

Fucking damnit.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:39:37 GMT

Can't sleep, right. I'm almost 80, but I don't feel like -fuck too many skype messages- going on WoW.

I feel like I'm going insane. I need to be able to sleep when necessary, but that's becoming more and more of an issue. Fucking hell. I'm going to sleep through the rest of today, aren't I?

Mayhap I should just stay the fuck up for the rest of the day.

That'd probably reset my sleep schedule, but it'd still fuck me over tomorrow, which I'm supposed to be doing... Something. Fucking hell. Oh, fuck it, it's with my mom anyways. Stupid whore.

Fucking streamed for god damn forever.

Yashypoo got way too fucking drunk. Poor poop. He didn't -actually- get really drunk, I just like hyperbolizing. But it was humorous, he kept slurring and couldn't give directions fast enough. It'd be like,

Driver chick: *passes street*
Yash: Oh, turn... there... Er...
Driver chick: ... Right, thanks.

He's such a cutie. =)

I think about him and I feel better. A bit, a little.

Fuck my life, my god damn mom is an idiot.

Might have to move out.

Fucking hell.

Oh yeah, the fucking stream.

--------------------------------------------------

I generally solve this stuff on my own.

I look down and I realize there's leftover water on the mat.

Maybe I'm not cut out for people.

I should figure this job situation out before I do anything drastic.

How the hell am I supposed to get money, anyways? I keep trying to find a job, and then I chicken out, thinking I'm way too stupid to do those jobs.

Fuck my life.

Fuck.

Maybe I should go listen to some Tenacious D.

I fucking hate my life.

Oh fuck, I'm not having Bradley withdrawals. -_-;;

He's such a lame-o, but he's so smart.

=)

I really do love him, a lot.

I wish I'd stop thinking bad things are going to happen to him.

It always happens in the scariest way with the ones I really care about.

I know it's happened before.

Bleck.

He's going to be okay.

Stress. I need some sleep. I don't need sleeping pills.

Insomnia, woot!

Fucking shut off, brain. Fucking do it.

God damnit.

I want sleep. I need sleep.

FML.

I hate not being able to spill to something, and then I forget about this stupid thing.

Fuck.

Fucking kangaroos.

FML. No more WoW. That'll just completely fuck me as far as sleep goes.

Ugh.

Sleep.

Please.

Damnit. I won't sleep if I'm still here.

Fucking hell.

I don't want to stop.

I'm starving.

Agh. Food. Right behind me. Motivation lacking. Foooooooooooooooooood.

I need a drink.

Fuck.

Bbl.

--------------------------------------------------

Pearl Jam - Last Kiss

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far
There in the road, up straight ahead
A car was stalled, the engine was dead
I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget the sound that night
The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass
The painful scream that I heard last.

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

When I woke up, the rain was pourin' down
There were people standing all around
Something warm rollin' through my eyes
But somehow I found my baby that night
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said
"Hold me darling just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I would miss
But now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life that night.

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.
Oooh, ooooh

-------------------------

Fucking of course I'd hear this song now. Fuck you all.

--------------------------------------------------

I keep having these helling thoughts about losing Brad.

He had this helling dream about me killing him. Or hurting him. Or something.

Wooooooo

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:38:29 GMT

I'm totes learning the Pokemon G/S/C Champion battle theme.

>:D

Sheet music. There's also a guitar pro version, but I'm too lazy to put that one up.

I'm also starting a guild on Elune US that'll eventually improve the server as a whole. If you want in, give me a shout!

I wore a skirt willingly for the first time the other day. >.> Shut up. I'm not a girl, you just think I am.

Definitely going to test out a three-spec for my mage.

I have a social life, wtf?

I want to do something creative, but all I can muster up the energy for is playing guitar. I'd rather be playing drums, but I need to make room for my kit, which means cleaning up my abysmally small room, which means x_x.

I think I'll go find some RP now.

A couple stories

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:37:16 GMT

Tracy

"It looks awesome."

Tracy ran his fingers over the mask, marvelling. Ages, it'd felt like, but finally, it was finished. He pulled it on, turning towards Kevin. "How did you do it, Tracy?"

"I had to sew most of it together with just the needle. I was going to use mom's machine, but it broke when I'd just started." He adjusted the mask, asking, "How do I look?"

"Awesome!" Kevin said, giving him a thumbs up. "What's that smell, though?"

"Oh, in the nose--" He put his hand on the pointed nose. "In the nose they put rose petals. Because they were treating the black plague, it smelled really bad, so they wanted something that smelled better in it."

"Eww, that sounds gross."

"Yeah..." Tracy pulled the mask off, looking at it. "I'll probably need more for Halloween, these ones are dying already."

"Probably. Can I see it?"

"Sure." Tracy handed the mask to Kevin, who looked over it. "I have no idea how you did this, but it's awesome." He lifted the mask to the light to get a better look, but it was wrenched from his hand. "Hey--"

"What the hell is this?" Kevin and Tracy turned, looking up at the older boys. "What, are you being a piece of dung this year?"

"Give it back, Michael!" Kevin yelled, but Tracy put his hand on Kevin's shoulder.

"Michael, please give it back." Tracy looked up at Michael, eyes pleading as he slowly held out his hand.

"I think..." Michael started, holding the mask out to Tracy. Tracy tried to take it, but Michael recoiled, smirking as he finished, "Not." He wrenched the mask over his head, the material stretching as it tried to cover him.

"Michael, it's too small, you're going to break it!"

"Relax, Kevin," Michael said. "I'm just... What?" He pulled the mask off, some of the rose petals falling out. "Flowers? God, Tracy, you're such a queer." He threw the mask down, and as Kevin tried to grab it, he shoved him backwards, Kevin landing on the concrete. He spat, stomping the mask under his foot.

"Something wrong, Tracy?" He asked when he saw the clenched fist. "Do you want your mask back?" Tracy's eyes met his, and he could see the anger in the little boy's eyes, hoping. "Why don't you take it back?"

Tracy's hand raised in the slightest bit, before his body drooped.

"Please give it back."

Michael looked down at the boy, smirking. He picked up the mask, throwing it into Tracy's hands. He turned, satisfied as he walked off.

Kevin stood behind him, but Tracy caught his shoulder. "It's pointless, Kevin." He looked down at the mask, sullied and tearing, and he pulled it on over himself.

"He... He just ruined your mask! He has to get what he deserves!"

"What's the point. We're going to walk over there and you're going to hit him, and then he's going to beat us up. And then he'll be allowed to beat us up. What are we going to get out of it? Nothing."

He could see his friend, trying to find a way, some logic they hadn't considered, something they could do other than crying to their parents. Something to make things right, with their own hands.

"It's not fair," Kevin finally said. Tracy remained silent, looking down at the ground. It was pointless, he knew, to bother.

--------------------------------------------------

Jake

Jake stood behind the boy as he pulled a binder from his bag, turning and handing it to him. Jake opened it, skimming the contents page by page.
"Wow... You wrote all this?"
"Yup, every last one!" And I draw pictures and I write stories about them, too! Although I like making up songs the best." David turned a few of the pages for him. "That one's my best one."
He kept reading for a few minutes, before handing the binder back. "You know, I actually used to draw a lot."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, and not just coloring pages! I did... Um... Illustrations!"
"Really? How good are you now?"
"Oh, I stopped."
David paused, before asking, "Why?" Jake shrugged.
"I dunno. I just stopped. My parents said it was a good thing, because I could have failed 1st grade because I was always drawing instead of listening to Miss Gergen."
The boys shared a silence, and within that silence, footsteps crept, up Jake's stairway, to the front of his door. He sighed, even before the knock came.
"Jacob, your medicine."
"Yes, mom, be right there."
The boy seemed to pause for the slightest moment, looking to David for... What?
Jake eased the binder back into David's hands. "Here, you take this..." David watched him open the door, walking out of sight.
David looked down at the notebook, somehow, without knowing why, hurting.

--------------------------------------------------

You guys should post on Advent Chaos. It's all spiffied up!

Have you ever?

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:35:24 GMT

Listened to Dead Girls for the first time in ages.

Just started crying and crying, thinking about some of the shit I've put up with. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I let people walk all over me like this?

-----
Works
-----

Title: Flight
Rating: Fuck ratings. No sex if that miffs you. Holy shit, I said yiffs at first. DAMN YOU BRADLEY.
Note: Needs revisions and haven't looked at it much since first draft.

Pt. 1.

The girl was beautiful. She was unintelligent, and gentle, and brute, and she was, above all, beautiful.

But slowly, as those around her cut away at themselves, she became thin, and her dark hair lightened. Dark hair had been disallowed, save for those born with such burden, and thus she was stuck.

Those around her rejoiced, for she was notwrong.

The men of intellect took interest in her, and slowly, she learned of the world. Of math, and politics, and music. Of all measure of all things, she learned, and she grew bitter, unimpressed by the world.

Those around her rejoiced, for she was notnaive.

The men of favor learned of her, and her condition, and they studied her. The anomoly of her back, so young yet misshapened, drew them, and they tested. As they did, they learned much of her condition, and so did she. She learned much of the human body, and of all things of science. The men of favor were unabashed in their desires for her to learn, and soon, she was given knowledge of the secrets held between two.

Those around her rejoiced, for she was notstupid, and now, she was ugly. But she looked down at her hands, and she hated.

Pt. 2

And the girl was ugly.

Her hands and her body were sanctified, purified by the touch of others. She was, at long-last, fit for their world, and ugly. And they rejoiced.

He was a strange appearance. He had dark hair, short but vivid and bright. He was bulky and strong, and unfit for the intellectuals. And he had wings.

Marked.

The intellectuals tried to steal her away, but she was notcurious, and couldn't be disuaded.

He was wary of her, at first, but she followed, and he relented. He disliked her hatred, and would not fly in her presense. Truly, flight was notlaw, but he was not one to care, for he was brute and more feared than fearful. And thus, she made it her goal to see his flight.

He was one of notmath, and she read to him, but he ignored her words. "Spoken without meaning," he said of them, until he ignored them. She tried to find the meaning he spoke of, but she found none. Certain it was there, she searched, searched within passage and page and measure and pastel and verse, but she could not find the meaning he had spoken of. And she was sad. But she could not ask him for help. She had started the search; she would prove to him that she was capable and notstupid.

He saw her sorrow, and he hurt. He tried to lead her, but she turned away from him, bitter. And in his anger, he yelled. Yelling was forbidden, but as with flight, not to him.

"Just," he whispered to her as he calmed, "Accept my help." He merely pointed, selecting out a few words.

Slowly, she watched word roll into thought, and thought roll into emotion, and slowly, the world grew around her, cold and bright and everything. And she could see all that he saw, and the entire world around him, and him. And he was crude, and dark, and unmotivated, and he was beautiful.
He lifted her into him, and he made her.

And she was beautiful.

And in this moment, he made her fly.

Pt. 3.

He was beautiful, and she could not stand the mark.

She removed it, tearing his wings.

"They will heal," she whispered, and he believed.

Pt. 4.

He longed for the sky, and she flew for him.

---

Dear god, I really want comments on this one. Literary-inclined friends... *prod*

Whoa.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:33:56 GMT

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100063489?v=3465561

I will never again say that my fingers are annoyingly small for guitar playing.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:32:44 GMT

Katanoki Chaos: I usually get the IM break up, but that's okay and not wrong at all on the part of the guys because that's a big part of how I communicate with people.
Matt: I'm surprised of how little of that I've gotten
Katanoki Chaos: But this was the ball-crushing-heart-stomp-over-WoW-PST-because-I-won't-talk-to-you-any-other-way break-up for the ages.

Dualities

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:31:39 GMT

Wtf?

I'm going back, looking at my old textfiles and what not, and holy damn, when did I become such a pushover?

This old me, who's words I'm reading... God, she didn't take shit, it's scary and almost mean. But confident, far more confident than myself. Arrogant, is it? Although, back then, those I looked up to were similar... Vejiita and the other insane anime characters of old, along with the people around me.

=/ It's like a different person. So strange. I dislike the rudeness, but I do wish I could be as confident as she was.

Anyways. I'm over at dad's right now, using his internet. The Master's here, too. I don't think he likes it here, though. *pats* He's used to more sterile environments.

So, I built a computer. =D The Master. He's such win. And such love. =D I'm currently torrenting, have firefox open, and am running Team Fortress in the background. Don't know the FPS, but I was hitting a nice 60 on WoW.

I also got a guitar, a used B.C. Rich Warlock. Solid body electric, fuck yeah! If anyone wants to jam, give me a shout. =)

Boredom

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:30:18 GMT

- Been making things recently. I'm thinking about making a foam keyboard/mouse rest from, well, foam. I've been going nuts with the stuff, though, the sheets of foam. I made hand guards. Lulz.

- D&D's going to happen again, this Thursday. Tomorrow, lulz. It's gonna happen at my house, and me, Urian, Trey, Josh, and Daniel are all going to be here. =D Character creation time. Anyone from around here who wants in, give me a shout--although there are certain intelligence requirements for getting in. =P

- Read this thing on relationship advice, and it had a quite truthful quote: "More marriages are killed by silence than by violence."

- Clarification for everyone that's hella confused: Me and Trey are friends; He's thinking about what he's going to do. What's more, he has to be the one pretending, for a bit. My mum finds out we're not dating, and she'll give me shit for ages. So we're going to act like we're still going out, around her.

WHOO

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:27:48 GMT

Soz, I got a volunteer job on a game called Soul of the World. No pay, unless it gets picked up, but I have the slight chance of getting hired, if they like my work. =)

Experience! =D

Silent Remembrance

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:26:11 GMT

I survived.

For great justice

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:24:18 GMT

So, at school, completely bored out of my skull and doing ANYTHING but work.

Meebo is quite a fun application. I should call Roland and tell him to get his ass online. =D I already texted him, tho', and Urian's on! LAWL!

Hmm... I hear TOOL. =D

Hmm...

So, yeah, I went batshit today looking for computer parts. I'm building a custom computer for my next comp.

I wish I had like, 1k to drop on new parts, so I could at least get the chassis and motherboard and some other stuffs. I could just use the old graphics card and CD drive and a few other things from my old comp until more money was saved...

I NEED A YOB.

;-;

Guize, look! http://www.xoxide.com/sunbeam-transformer-case-black.html That's the chassis I'm probably going to get for the compy. It's undyingly sexy, and you all KNOW IT! =D

maaaaaaaaaan I need money

;-; I'm getting a yob ASAP!

[09:35] KatanokiChaos: I'm going to custom build my next computer.
[09:35] KatanokiChaos: And that's going to be my chassis.
[09:36] KatanokiChaos: And it's going to make sweet love to the sexy parts I put in it.
[09:36] KatanokiChaos: ... Wow, that came out sounding wronger than I intended.

Discussions are win.

=/

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:22:02 GMT

Can somebody tell me when all our lives went to shit?

Not just Roland's, not just ours, not just the group, not just the school, not just [city omitted]...

When did it happen? When did we lose ourselves to this, turning into mere shadows of ourselves, becoming complacent with the mundane, the everyday, and then, in our realization of what we ourselves had done, rejected this mode of life?

When did we become complacent with this?

Isn't life supposed to be so much more than this?

There's so much more we could do, if we simply... Tried...

But we are complacent.

We are shadows.

We are nothing.

Coldness.

=/

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:17:55 GMT

Been in a weird state lately. I really can't feel it all anymore. Been numb. Was numb today, even, although I was sorta better.

Had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. It was over the stupidest thing, too. Trey had been playing WoW, and he needed some extra time, and with everything that's gone on recently, everything that I'd felt last summer sorta came swooping back. It was like it was all happening again, the abandonment by most everyone I knew. Luckily, Trey called me soon after, and helped me through.

=/ Can't think anymore. I've become comfortably numb.

Also, to a certain someone: Don't blame your own actions for these feelings. Last summer is over and done with, and as hard as it is for me to say it, your choice is probably what's best for your mental health. Just don't kill yourself, mm'kay?

-----
END OF JOURNAL STREAMING [Safe For Work]

Can't think can't think
Oh god can't think
Can't think anything
Can't feel
Can't touch
Can't do anything about this
Can't
Out of control
Nothing
Everything out of control
Mood none or other
Can't even control mood
Just numb
Completely numb
-----

Emptiness

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:16:05 GMT

They're all gone.

=/

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:11:56 GMT

I don't know whether it's the constant droning or if it's the nightly arguments about what was stapled incorrectly, but somewhere along the lines, I think my mom's driving me insane. I don't know; perhaps I'm imagining things. There ARE other things going on in my life, after all, other, more important issues which I should be focusing on. But there's only so much aggression I can be surrounded by, before it starts bothering me.

Y'know, I hated spanish class. 1 and 2, fulfilling high school required credits. I mean, the teachers were fine, and I had peers to talk to throughout. Everytime I'd speak it, though, I'd... Fake a terrible accent. Act unknowing. I'd almost try not to learn it.

It's not that I'm ashamed, even in the slightest, of my ethnic background, or my heritage. Circumstances decided by birth are irrelevant. Instead... It's the constant reminder. It's hearing those words, and realizing that I'd have to go back home in a few hours. I mean, my home isn't abusive, or overly terrible, or any of those sort of things that would actually warrant me getting help for this. I just hate it. I hate it. I can't stand it. And I hate that I know the language because a grown woman has shrieked it for most of my sentient life.

=/

There's not much to be had in my life, either. For instance... I've wanted psychiatric help for a few years, now, but I was dying for it during sophomore year. The whole Angrite debacle had turned me suicidal, and I knew that there was a serious risk of me doing something I wouldn't live to regret. At first, I was too caught up in the whole life-hating stage to care, but eventually, realization hit me, and it hit me hard. This is the only chance you've got. The only one. And if I lost it in a moment... Gods, the thought terrified me. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to die.

But of course, why did she deny me the help I wanted? "You need god in your life." It's been some throw-off of that my entire life, god, or gender, or some other bullshit reason. Kendo lessons? Easy. "That's a boy thing. You're a girl. You can't do that." Or why she tried to stop me from being friends with John? "That kid is a bad influence. If he doesn't respect the church, there's no way he can respect anyone else, or his parents, or you."

You're damn right he won't respect the church! And I'm damn proud of him for it! What the hell was he supposed to do, stand there as the rights of the young are quenched, innocent minds pushed into these ideologies, these fairy tales, these dogmas!

Somebody has to stand up, and damn you if you'd hate them for it.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I want outta this town.

-----
RECENT DRAWINGS, WRITINGS, ETC [Safe for Work]

"Wall Hang-Ups! =D"

I've decided to hang up a Guitar Hero Explorer controller (360), and a Rock Band Stratocaster Replica controller (360). I also put up the sticks to my Rock Band drum kit, right above my bed for early morning rock out-age.

Stratocaster

Explorer

Drumsticks

Medium: A hammer and a few nails.
Story: I needed a place for my two Guitar Hero controllers, so... =D Genius! I might do the same with the other one, the Les Paul from GH3. And I thought it'd be nice to have the sticks within easy reach when I woke up. =)

-----

-----
LYRICS [Safe for Work]

Audioslave - "What You Are"

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

-----

-----
END OF JOURNAL STREAMING [Not Safe For Work]

Siiiiiiiiick
Sick sick sick
Ooooooh forgot the food before Spiking rule
Fuck
I need food
Too much caffeine on an empty stomach
Must... reach... cheese its!
Eeeeeeff
Might throw up now
fuck
Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh

-----

Emotion

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:10:20 GMT

Maybe I shouldn't bitch.

Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I don't deserve that luxury. I understand that there are so many people out there in worse positions than the one I'm in, and to feel that I am at my ends is not the proper and right emotion for these moments, these crucial moments at what I feel is a crossroad in my life. However, I can no longer standby, holding everything in. I can't. I'm at the worst I've been in a long time, and I can't handle it all anymore.

No matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. You lot can say what you will, but the pressure is a murderous, evil thing. In my hands, I have two lives. And no matter what I do... I'm not going to be happy. I don't think I'll ever be happy. It's such a passing, temporary thing.

... I just got spoiled for Torchwood... Moving on.

No, I'll never be happy. Really. God, am I the suicidal one, now? Not really. I've sort of accepted that my existence will be a cursed one, but one I will continue, not for my sake, but for the sake of those around me. Meh. I'm past all of it anyways, so, once again, moving on.

It's a bit strange, honestly. Two people who you care for so greatly. And you're at an impass. You can only save one of them, even as you can't bear even the possibility of the idea coming into your head that you might lose the other. And no matter what you do, no matter what you choose... It will always, always be your fault.

It's not a very happy feeling, but alas, those with the sort of esteem issues I have-issues I know Roland can identify with-must become, strange as it may be, used to this disappointment and self-hate.

I realized, earlier tonight, that those strange, sudden, overwhelming feelings of emotional agony that seem to set in once in a while, are panic attacks. I never realized it, but all the symptoms match. Hmm. Thinking about everything, I was on the verge of a second one moments ago... Meh. Yay, control over one's emotions! Forcing everything down, because, obviously, strength shown to others is the utmost of currency. Strange, the society we live in, selfishness so greatly dissuaded.

What are we, drones?

We are to live for ourselves, and those that don't like it may bear it!

Strange, these emotions, these feelings. But they must be kept down. There are issues of greater importance, now.

-----
LYRICS

I feel it's fitting to put in pieces of both songs which helped me so greatly to put this into words.

Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

Nine Inch Nails - The Day The World Went Away

There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away
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I Hate

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 03:53:51 GMT

Great help they did. I know one thing I'm never doing again!

I hate people so much right now. I hate everything right now, though, so it's all good. Hate my rents, hate [name omitted]'s rents, hate the world, hate the way suicidal individuals are handled, hate the way people can force others to do things just because they paid some money to go to a fucking school...

I hate how you trust people to help, and then they do the opposite. I hate how therapy takes the backseat for drugs. I hate how people think I don't care and that I just want something to be pissed off about.

I hate how people assume the system is benevolent. I hate how people continue to think so after those that have gone through it try to tell otherwise.

I hate how people fucking piss me off every day. I hate how people are assholes. And I hate how people assume they FUCKING know better. Because they FUCKING don't. With a capitol FUCKING F.

Think for yourself. Question authority. Don't fucking assume they helped. Authorities can be right, and I don't dispute that, but I fucking hate when people assume that whatever the law does is lawful, and whatever the justice system decides is truly justice.

Think for yourself. Question authority.

God, I love sitting in this classroom. [Note: I was in a Junior English class as an aide.] Even without being an actual member of the class, I'm still learning, because this class is so fucking amazing. Too bad I'll only have it for one class period, soon enough. Oh yeah, teachers can't have teacher's aides! That's logical.

Almost time for my psychology test. Fuck, I'm so angry right now. Fuck, I'm so angry.

-----
RECENT DRAWINGS, WRITINGS, ETC [Safe for Work]

None today, sorry, peeps. I had one finished, but didn't have time to upload it to my site. Maybe I'll draw something and edit...
-----

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END OF JOURNAL STREAMING

I practically fucking screamed my mind completely out up there. No streaming. I'm done.
-----

((End Note: I'm not angry at those involved at my school. They went by the book and thought they were helping. Their intentions were pure. I'm angry at the mental health laws around here, in Florida. No, not angry. Fucking angry with a capitol god damned F. But I'm not going to start again. And I'm angry at myself, for fucking everything over yet again, no matter my intentions.))

((End Note Two: Wow, god I was angry earlier. Sorry about the rant, peeps.))

Comments...

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 14:23:51 GMT

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Woot.

Argh

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:59:36 GMT

Mum's restricting my DnD time... And I just started playing!

But yeah... I've got nothing to do tomorrow. Or Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. Don't tell me to catch up on my NaNo, I've given up. I can't do it. I just can't. And, haven't done it since my rents got back... -.-

I've got the bard's backstory (mostly) done. Just have to put it in story form, rather than wiki form.

I'm feeling emo...

^_^

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:32:26 GMT

Um, yeah.

So, lawl, not even 7k on my NaNo yet... Blame Preston for that. Or Trey, or Darith, or Schmoo, or whatever you lot call him. But yeah. I'm going to go crazy with it on the weekend, though.

I is happy, so that's better than usual, at least. I mean, oww, ass, but... -_- Trey, if you emo out, I will stab my own eyes out with a spork. But yeah. I'm pretty much better, tho'. And, lawl, Pat freaked out when he heard...

But yeah, happy. The wife and I (lawl) need to figure out how we'll be getting alone time again, tho'... x_x

OH MY GOD

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 01:12:42 GMT

^_^ Me and Preston are going out!

*combusts all spontaneous-like*